Seven Things I've Learnt About Myself Through A Break-Up

Everything in life is about learning. Every situation, be it good or bad, provides lessons and teaches you something. My first proper break-up has taught me invaluable lessons about many things - but most of all about myself.

They haven't all been good, I'll be honest there are things I have learnt which I wish I hadn't. Nonetheless these lessons are invaluable to my constant personal development, and to help me improve the person I am.

Life is about learning. Learning about absolutely everything you can - whether than be your job, your friends or yourself.

I'm not as weak as I thought, and I'm not as cold as I wanted to be.

You get hurt and your thoughts go something like this:

"I feel so useless, pathetic even - I wish I had someone to comfort me"

"Fuck this - Fuck him - I don't need anyone. Love doesn't exist, it's bullshit"

"I am going to emotionally shut down - that's how I prevent this from happening ever again"

"Don't need a relationship - I will keep it casual. That's it, nothing else. No love, no feelings - they're banned"

A swarm of emotionally loaded thoughts clog your head, and they're irrational due to the circumstances. It's hard not to listen to them and let them programme themselves into our heads. I thought all of the above, and really tried to live by the emotionally shut down rule. I succeeded for a while - until I realised that isn't me. I am not that person - I didn't know who that person was. I was someone I would hate.

I've learnt that I am not weak enough to need someone in my life purely for the reason of being lonely or scared, but that I am also not a robot. I cannot cut off my feelings, I cannot be a cold, inhumane person who doesn't care. I care, and I care a lot. 

I don't need anyone - I am enough.

I don't need anyone - I never did, I just thought I did. Simple as that - I am enough. 

I just want more for myself. 
Who wants to settle which something mediocre when you can work to give yourself the world? I will no longer ever settle for something which makes me moderately happy. I want the world, I want the best. 

It's okay to be unhappy sometimes.
I convinced myself for an extended period of time that if I looked happy and acted happy then I was...but that's not really the case. It took me a while to realise that being unhappy isn't a sign of weakness, nor is it me being depressed/giving up/etc - it's a part of life. You simply cannot operate being overly happy forever, you need to be unhappy and feel shit sometimes. And it's okay. 

Mistakes are there to be made - don't beat yourself up.
We've all been there 

"It's the end of the world - I cannot believe I let this happen. Why oh why did I do this"

"Great, I drunk dialled. I called my ex 13 times last night"\

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Whatever the spectrum of mistakes - it's okay. You learn from it. Yes there is a chance you could have impacted your life - but you're alive, you're healthy and everything goes up. 

Mistakes are there to be made and it's not going to change anything beating yourself up about it. 

Being alone is okay.
I stayed with someone I knew wasn't right for me because of my fear of being alone. I didn't want to be alone with my own thoughts, time to think - I wanted to take the easy route.

The moment I became okay with being on my own was the moment these distractions were removed and my life dramatically became better. I wasn't wasting time with people that brought nothing to my life - I chose the people because I wanted to spend time with them, not to fill a void.

You're only as good as the company you keep, afterall...

I'm not innocent - and I have a lot to work on 
This was a good wake up call for me. For a while I genuinely believed that I couldn't possibly be to blame for anything going wrong. I blamed everyone and everything else in my life for the bad - how could it be me?

It took taking the main things, or people, I blamed out of my life to realise that some of these bad things were down to me. Bad personality traits, bad habits - they were entirely my fault and no matter how much I wanted to I cannot blame someone else for these.

I learnt what my weaknesses were, what my downfalls were and I've been able to work on them. Slowly but surely I am eradicating them from my life, and it all comes down to admitting them.