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10.01.2017

Maybe it's time to love me?



As much as I'd love to wish I wasn't, I'm no stranger to dating.

Truth be told - I've on and off dated for years. In primary school I always had a “crush”, someone's name I'd dot in my ‘play book’.

Now, at 22, I can't remember a time I was truly single. Whilst I've not been in many proper relationships, there's always been someone.

Whether it's a long term fling, a singular date, someone I'm perusing. It's truly been a long time where I've not felt I needed some sort of male presence in my life, perhaps some sort of male validation, but definitely someone.

Honestly I don't know why this is. I've tried to be single, when I ended things with a someone I'd been seeing for a year and a half, yet I found myself dating other people, revisiting previous flings after just two weeks of trying.

It is almost as if, despite my constant outpour of the opposite, that maybe I’m unable to be completely alone. That I seek the wrong people in search of the 'right' feeling.

But when I’m with them, it’s not as if I am even slightly dependent on them. I do my own thing, pay my own bills and just live as I would have if they weren’t there.

Ultimately it could be confidence thing - everyone wants to feel wanted and what's better than feeling that every day?

And that's where part of the problem lies. My need to be wanted by others, the need to feel desired despite not desiring that person myself.

This need pushes me to repeat mistake after mistake, date person after person, fall “in love” time and time again with the wrong person whilst convincing myself they must be right.

Holding onto the feeling they once made me feel months before, just for that singular moment that will never exist.
And the lack of confidence doesn't just lie with my relationship with men - it's my relationship with everything. Work, friends and family.

Confidence is the thing that will get you a job, help you achieve something you might not have before and push you to become something you never knew possible - and truth be told without it, you'd sink.

And truth be told - again - I think I'm kind of sinking right now.

But - in true fighting spirit - there's ways to learn to love yourself rather than waiting for someone else to love you, which is what I'm going to do.

I'm embarking on a journey of self-love, where the only love I will be perusing is for myself.

The thing is that whilst sometimes I think I need some form of validation - the truth is I don't.

Maybe I'm an attention whore, maybe I need someone to tell me I look great, that they love me - but that person could be me.

Trust me - I'm learning.

And no, this isn't a overly feminist narrative where I'll condemn every man because “every man is the same” is the biggest lie ever told, just like “every woman is the same”, because like f**k am I being compared to Theresa May.

So for everyone out there who has dated since the age it was socially acceptable, I feel every ounce of your self-doubt, need for attention and want of being wanted - and I also know that you don't need it.

I'm turning my back on my quest for “love someone”, in a quest to “love myself”, whilst blasting ‘Love Myself - Hailee Steinfeld on repeat in case I falter.

P.S, part of self-love is trying to get better at this blogging thing.



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