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11.18.2015

I MISS YOU LILY


Breaking up with friends, in my opinion, is harder than any break-up. Breaking up with friends hurts, I mean really hurts. Break-ups with boyfriends obviously hurt, but that is to be expected. Breaking up with friends it's even worse. I've been pretty down recently - and it hasn't been missing the person you'd expect me to. It's about me missing my true soulmate - one of the biggest parts of my life. 

It's not you, it's me. You know what? In this case it was entirely me.

I used to resent that saying, and now it's all too true. In the space of 6 months I have lost two friends who I thought would be with me forever. One of them I miss every single day, even to the point of wanting to tell her how my day went. The other was the best thing which ever happened to me. 

So the one I miss every day. Myself and my friend, Lily, were best friends for about three years. We became friends after initially hating each-other due to a spat with an ex-boyfriend - the complicated woes of 16 year old girls. However once we got talking I knew we were going to be friends. We found the same things funny, similar ambitions and enjoyed doing the same things. We got on like a house on fire. 

Lily and I were inseparable. We spoke every second of the day - like the way you do when you first start liking someone in a relationship. I am talking full-on friend-affair. But this lasted forever. I was probably closer to her than any other friend, family member or boyfriend. 

She meant the world to me - yet I didn't show it. It's only now, now that I've not had her in my life for nearly 5 months I realise how badly I fucked up.

I mean it was her birthday a few days ago - and instead of spending it with her like last year I expected my email to fall on deaf ears...it didn't, but it should have. She should have ignored me because hell I would have. 

So let me throw you back to how everything happened. In essence I did something I shouldn't have, I told Lily, the truth came out - and I blamed her.

Realistically the entire thing was my fault. I was the one who fucked up and I was the one who should be paying for my actions - yet I didn't accept any responsibility. I hid from it, and pretended the entire thing was her fault. It wasn't - it was entirely my fault.  

I regret my actions every single day because there is a huge void missing. A huge part of my life has gone - and I miss it more than I can even describe. 

Lily was the friend who stood by me despite everything. I could tell her the worst thing I have done - and she would support my actions, and trust in me that I'd done them for a good reason. She championed me, she pushed me on and made me laugh. I've honestly never met someone who made me laugh to the extent she did.

We used to do this thing where we would pretend to be middle-aged mothers. We used to either text or call, and sit there as follows:

"Hi Lily. Just me, Kassie, your neighbour. Just wanted to check how you and Chris are, and how the kids are doing at pre-school. Let me know if you are around for a play-date soon. K x"

"Hi Kassie. So lovely to hear from you. Chris is good - he's been working a lot recently though. Kids are great - Jess isn't getting on too well at pre-school though. Play-date sounds brilliant - next Wednesday work? x"

To you reading this, you will think it is ridiculous. But these conversations and silly texts had me in stitches for absolutely ages. We would laugh for hours, and genuinely continue it. 

We were also well known for going out together and getting into absolute states. It was a running joke that one of us would end up in some ridiculous state at 7am the next morning...or we'd stick together and just laugh about the previous night all morning. The stories were always hilarious and often involved us harassing some poor innocent guy because he was too god damn good looking.

We had the best times - and now I am having the worst times of my life. Not a single day passes where I don't miss her, want to tell her about something or ask her advice. I feel more regret about this situation than any other - she was my rock. More so than any man could ever be.

_________________________________________________

To Lily, if you're reading this. I am sorry. I miss you every single day - I miss every part of you. This isn't me confessing to any gay feelings (despite the fact I am pretty sure we often got accused of it) - I just need you to know how horrendous I feel without you in my life. 

I am sorry for every single horrible thing I said and every action which ever upset you. You didn't deserve it when you did so much. I am sorry I took my actions out on you, I was in the wrong. It was entirely my fault.

I miss you more than you could ever know - and I am so sorry for being a complete dick.


In plain and simple terms - I was wrong. I was out of order, I fucked up.

I miss you, & I am sorry.

_______________________________________


Appreciate those who care about you despite of your flaws - and don't do what I did and let them go.




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