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10.25.2015

How I Dealt With My Break-Up


Breaking up with someone is always rough, usually heart-wrenching and horrendously draining. You're put in a situation where the person you've shared you deepest, darkest thoughts with will no longer be there for you. The person who protected you and sometimes carried you through the bad things isn't there - and in some cases may be the person you need protecting from. The change in dynamics in your life is similar to having someone pick you up, shake you around and plopping you down with a simple get on with it. They're hard. 

As you may know, if you read my blog, I broke up with my long term boyfriend this year. He was someone I was very close to and held very dearly. In recent weeks I've realised just how closely I did hold him. The break-up was messy, and it was one of the toughest things I have ever dealt with because of everything else going on at the time. At first I was an uncontrollable mess; crying, not sleeping and not talking. It took me a while to realise that he was no longer going to be in my life anymore. That I can't discuss my day with him when I came home, or if I saw something funny on Facebook I couldn't tag him in it(couples, you get this right?!). Everything as I'd known it for nearly 18 months was about to change. 

With this break-up the thing I found the hardest was accepting and grieving. Just like losing anything in life, you need to grieve. Now before jumping down my throat, I am not comparing break-ups to death. However, you will feel like there has been a loss. You have lost someone who would have been a huge part of your life. For me I realised I had to grieve it when I became unwell from bottling it up. I'm very lucky that my manager at work was ridiculously understanding, and she helped me realise I needed to accept it happened and it didn't work out. I needed to let out the emotions. She suggested setting aside a day to be upset, the rest of the time you deal with it. Sunday was my day. Each Sunday if I needed to, I could cry. I could think about the good times, and the bad, and feel whatever I liked. Each time they got better, and I haven’t had one of those Sunday’s for a while, and slowly they’ll never be a thing.

Accept it, learn from it and be a better person because of it. 

 Another key step was having no contact. I won't disclose the full circumstances of the no contact, but it was the best thing for the situation. Out of sight, out of mind. When we broke up, that was the last time I properly spoke to Matthew. The only other time is when he drunkenly called me, and I didn't have the number saved - that phonecall threw me back a few weeks in progress. The lack of contact meant I had no reminder of the relationship. I didn't run the risk of seeing the good side of the person, I therefore didn't run the risk of "what if". The contact was gone and therefore so was all temptation. Within a week, we weren't connected on any social media either. I couldn't see what he was doing, nor could he see what I was up to. Our lives were separated and we couldn't interfere or reminisce about the previous times we had shared. This was the hardest but most crucial thing to helping me with my break up. 

I loved him, great. But now I’m learning to love myself more – and you should do the same.

Refocus your energy and thoughts to yourself. You are now single - you only have yourself to think about. Your life becomes about your goals, your aims and what you want. You want to do something crazy? Well you can. Everything becomes about you. It'll be hard adapt to. I found it weird being out past a certain time - and I didn't have to explain myself. For the first time in 18 months I could stay out until 4am without having to justify why. Everything suddenly became simple, and my life became my life again.

Distract yourself. Now, the fun part. Dating. My manager suggested this to me whilst we were away in York for work. It was a mere few days after and she suggested I try dating as a form of distraction. I was initially hesitant and worried - I couldn't do dating, I am far too nervous. Nonetheless, I took the plunge. I decided dating wouldn't hurt - and I've not looked back. Initially it did work as a distraction and it meant I wasn't able to sit around and think about him, but it also built my confidence back up. Guys found me attractive. Whether they wanted something serious or not, they still were interested enough in me physically to meet me. The confidence I gained from this was incredible. I now no longer date because I am getting over someone or looking for a confidence boost - I date because I like the person.  

One tough thing which makes the hard times even harder is that you really do get to know who gives a fuck and who doesn't. Be prepared to discover the best and worst friends of your life. I lost my best friend of 9 years during this break up, and I am so glad I did. Her negative energy and vibes were the worst thing, and her obsession with lying wasn't good for anyone. You will discover these things - but believe me they are a blessing. It's funny because two of the people who helped me a lot are colleagues. Two colleagues of mine supported me throughout, sometimes without even knowing it. Always on hand to give advice, always pushing me through and telling me their stories that I could relate to. I don't know if they realise how much they helped, but without them I doubt I would be in the place I am today. I owe them so much for doing this - something they didn't have to do considering it is a work environment.

Family. My aunt and cousin were my rock. They held me up when I couldn't hold myself. They persevered when I couldn't. They didn't everything I couldn't and at the same time helped me up. They were the best support system I could have asked for. 

This isn't me saying I am an expert at break-ups, I really don't have a clue what helps in the long run but for me this worked. There is no doubt that on my next one I will be a blubbering mess again - but for now, I am doing okay. 

For the interim; drink wine, eat shit food and check out hot guys ladies. It'll help for a bit. And for gods sake stay away from the "Sad Songs" playlist on Spotify. If you ever just need to chat, always hit me up on Twitter @KassieBarkerJ

Stay Happy,

Kassie  
STALK ME
Twitter: @kassiebarkerj
Instragram: @kassiebarkerj
Snapchat: kassiebarkerj
- See more at: http://www.styledevoured.uk/#sthash.PaW8Gtur.dpuf


STALK ME
Twitter: @kassiebarkerj
Instragram: @kassiebarkerj
Snapchat: kassiebarkerj
- See more at: http://www.styledevoured.uk/#sthash.PaW8Gtur.dpuf
STALK ME
Twitter: @kassiebarkerj
Instragram: @kassiebarkerj
Snapchat: kassiebarkerj
- See more at: http://www.styledevoured.uk/#sthash.PaW8Gtur.dpuf
STALK ME
Twitter: @kassiebarkerj
Instragram: @kassiebarkerj
Snapchat: kassiebarkerj
- See more at: http://www.styledevoured.uk/#sthash.PaW8Gtur.dpuf

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